warnings: spoilers up until the season 3 premiere.
note: originally written for the awesome ladies ficathon here.
Here's the thing: Anna Wu is not just a computer nerd. God, no. Do you think she'd work at the Buy More voluntarily?
(She would, actually, because it makes her parents mad. But that's not the point.)
Some guy in an imposing suit finds Anna when she's twenty-two. "I'm from the CIA," he says, "and we want you to join."
Anna chews on the stick of gum in her mouth before blowing a bubble in his face. Yeah. Sure.
He starts mentioning things like her remarkable physical prowess and her efficiency with staff weapons and her far beyond average ability to interact with technology and blahblahblahblah. She's not really sure what he's talking about, and, honestly, it's a little creepy, but Anna likes creepy and beating people up sounds cool.
"Okay," she sighs and pats his head. "You've convinced me."
Wu, Anna Wu. She flicks an imaginary gun in her mind and spins it around her finger. She could get used to that.
A year of training and they dump her at the Buy More. "Seriously?" she asks. "Here?"
"This is the safest place we could find for you," says her handler, although he insists he's her partner now. Anna's not so sure about that because, even now, she knows she doesn't really do the whole partner thing. Regardless, Johnson is okay, if totally repressed and kind of intimidating.
"Fine," she says, blowing air through her mouth in a huff.
It's when she meets Lester and Jeff and Morgan and Chuck (although he’s kind of okay, and by that, she means cute) and they show her the godawful uniform that her state of mind changes from fine to fuck no.
It's cool, she tells herself. She can handle this. She's Anna freakin' Wu, she can handle anything. And so she handles it the only way she knows how.
In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have said, "Bite me," to Chuck when he was trying to be friendly and show her around.
On the other hand, choking Lester is always a reasonable response.
Whatever. At least everyone is afraid of her.
Her first mission is taking down some crazy-computer-nerd-gone-evil who, of course, has a fetish for Asian girls. When Johnson finishes telling her her assignment all she can do is roll her eyes. Please. She works with morons like this every day.
The evil mastermind in question is exactly as she pictured him: pale, oily hair slicked back, obnoxious sparkly blue suit that makes her want to rip out her eyeballs. Anna's supposed to be a dancer and she pulls it off perfectly. She holds a fan in her hand, daintily, her body matching its movements, and she can feel this creep's skeevy eyes running all over her.
Later, Anna cuts a giant gash on his chest with her fan. It's beautiful.
The thing is, Anna knows Chuck's a spy. Like, he's acting completely weird (weird-er) and gets a totally hot, out-of-his-league girlfriend, and then some stoic, gruff man who hates everyone starts working retail?
Her first reaction is disbelief, because Chuckles? Really? And they're not even subtle about it either—always talking about missions, and spies, and cover identities in really loud stage whispers where anyone can hear them.
Anna figures that every great spy needs to have one great love story. She's a great spy. Morgan is not her great love story.
But she likes him well enough, enough that it catches her off guard, enough that she thinks about the 467 different ways she could seriously maim Ellie because that bitch needs to stay away from Morgan. Sometimes, he's just so sexy, which would gross her out a couple months ago. Now, it just makes her want to drag him to the nearest empty room and slobber all over him.
And she does. Repeatedly.
They're in the home theater room again, and she's got Morgan down to his boxers. When he starts kissing her neck, she waves dreamily at the camera in the corner. She could dismantle it easily, blindfolded, with her feet and hands tied, and no one would even notice. But she has to admit that this is more exciting. Morgan likes to say they're secret sex spies.
(Once, in Turkey, she did take down a camera using only her teeth. It was awesome.)
Anna hates working on her days off. Like, she really hates it. So when Morgan gets embroiled in some lame fight with Mitt, the store jock, she absolutely does not want to have to intervene.
But then she takes one look at Morgan, and, you know, she's sleeping with him so she knows that he's not the strongest, and just. This is not going to end well.
Which is how she ends up defending her boyfriend’s honor with a camera tripod. It happens.
Later, Casey finds her and pulls her to the side. "You have some very impressive skills, Wu."
"I would like to recommend Anna Wu for field service."
"I am afraid that this is not possible."
"General Beckman, with all due respect—"
"This matter is closed, Agent Casey. I suggest you move on to keeping track of your own handful.")
When Chuck screws up her latest mission, Anna's definitely not surprised, especially since, you know, he runs around with a sign blaring I'm a spy! I'm a spy! all the fucking time.
Her job is to stop some idiot from blowing up the world (again) and she's doing fine on her own. All dressed up at a fancy party, laughing at his jokes, the side of her hips pressed against his, fingers wrapped around his hand.
But then she sees Chuck, and so does everyone else at the party. He's spilled a tray of appetizers on a woman's dress and is trying to bumble out an apology.
"We have a problem," she says into her wineglass. Discreetly.
"Noted," Johnson says into her ear. "You know what to do."
"Excuse me," Anna murmurs to the man next to her, close to his lips, and disentangles her arm from his. She approaches Chuck, and the fact that he doesn't even notice makes her want to cry. Ugh, who let him out of his cage?
"Anna!" He turns around, surprised, and, hello, she can practically see the wheels in his mind turning, trying to come up with a satisfactory explanation for his presence. Anna, for her part, tries not to roll her eyes. "I'm uh, I've been—don't tell anyone this, but I've been working a second job. You know. Trying to make ends meet—"
"Uh-huh." Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Johnson slinking around, and decides—well, this is for the good of the country. So she pushes Chuck slightly out of the room, where no one can see them, and jumps on him. This is not Anna's finest moment. She wraps her arms and legs around him, taking his complete bewilderment to press her lips against his, making it as wet and disgusting as possible, because, whatever, he deserves it for being such a crappy spy.
She can hear him try to slip in strangled protests through her kisses, things like this is, uh, completely inappropriate and I have a girlfriend and you're dating Morgan, but again, whatever, she wouldn't even have to do this if he could do his job properly. She doesn't stop until she hears a "We're good" in her ear.
Anna tries to let Chuck down easy. "I don't think this is going to work out, Chuckles."
Eventually, she gets transferred to Hawaii, and yeah, it kind of sucks because Morgan thinks she ran off with some chef.
But she's so not going to let it get her down.
She's Anna Wu, bitches. She'll be back.